It is 3:17 am. I can't remember the last time I couldn't sleep like this. Usually I can sleep any damn place no matter if it's filthy, loud, uncomfortable, or unfamiliar. Where I am is none of those things. This morning I decided to take a 10 hour drive down to the Bay Area. It only registered that I was almost at my destination of Myriam's (short story: I met Myriam at the Process Work Intensive. Two and a half weeks into it, the girl busts a move that is impossible to resist, we start getting to know each other, two weeks more she returns back to her life, we text like mad, talk on the phone, I visit her four weeks later in Oakland after which I have a meltdown borne out of not communicating my feelings with her, then a week later we meet each other in Ashland which is a magical 48 hour trip and another month (within this month, the pressure of being unemployed begins to fray my edges building up into a week of unwittingly taking my frustration out on our long-distance-what-are-we-doing relationship) later (aka this morning), I decide to drive down to her house) house as I exited I-5. Five minutes later, I pulled up to her front door.
Seeing her after weeks of not seeing her is usually shocking. I get this fear that I have forgotten what she looks like or she has forgotten what I look like and that suddenly we won't recognize each other. Totally normal. Well, this time we recognized each other again, could I ever forget that gorgeous curly dark brown hair, brown eyes flecked with sunflowers, tan skin on a slim, strong body, her face a perfect mix of her French and South Asian Indian heritages? Seeing her after a few weeks is always surreal. Being in her presence again is always unfathomable and always a surprise even though I drove directly to her house and I had 10 hours to prepare. She greets me with a huge smile and I am instantly shy and there is a happiness that effervesces out of her uncontrollably but maybe more furiously like it sparkles out of her pores when she sees me. We hug in the hallway, murmur sweet things into each others' necks, and attempt to act like seeing each other is totally normal. It never is.
On the drive down I had a lot of time to think. The sun was out and gorgeous. The scenery that lines I-5 is lush this time of year. Mt. Shasta was still covered in snow and lovely in the sun. I thought about my life. I thought about going back to the plasma center after months of going in circles in my mind of what am I doing with my life? The truth of it comes down to wanting to do something useful with my expertise and the reality is that until I can figure out how to best utilize my expertise, I won't attract anyone who can benefit from it and consequently I won't make money until I figure out my focus meaning in the meantime to make ends meet, I have to get a job that pays. Mark Lee told me this ancient Chinese saying today (very loosely translated), "At least when you're riding a donkey, you can look for a horse." Those damn Chinese have a saying for everything!
And in this case, it makes it all better somehow. Having a change of heart can really open some doors. Before I knew it, I packed the dog into the car and drove 10 hours to a place where not only I could start looking for my horse but also visit a beautiful and amazing woman.
So I'm up at 5 in the morning. The morning birds are starting to chirp. Curse you, soy latte from Ashland with Coke chaser from Yreka!
